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The Person I Ought to Be

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I am nowhere near the person I ought to be

I pretend my sadness fears my sleep and when I awake it will have gone
Spit my anger in my palms
Clench until I’ve felt they’ve left
Every word of her I plead to forget

And all the times you’ve apologized
Have never left a permanent residence in my mind
And every time you said I’m sorry
I felt a buckle in my knees
forgiveness a destination that haunts me
I am sorry my feelings are a burden we must carry on two sets of shoulders
I can never forget what you said to her
I’m sorry I never do what’s right for myself
And pass on my problems to anyone else
I’m sorry I cry on nights you just want to go sleep
Leaving far too many voicemails listening to haunting that beep
I’m sorry you miss when I wrote you happy poetry
I’m sorry you loved the old me

You loved the old me that came to school everyday with that happy smile on my face but you never questioned if it was fake

Take a few steps back
You fell in love with the smile that was real
The one hadn’t learned how to truly feel
The one that hadn’t learned how to think
Never questioning the way our robotic feet walk down these halls in sync
Out of routine I grab your hand and it’s always beside me
We take our robotic steps in forward direction
Actually your direction
We were walking in your direction
I didn’t know what my two feet were standing for
But I knew the list of your daily chores
I didn’t know the reason my eyes chose to open every time they shut
But I knew that we were in love

And that’s all that matters really
Actually to me
that’s all that mattered to me
Me The essence of me didn’t matter

I am no where near the person the ought to be
But thank you so much because
I am no where the near the person I was
And I’m no longer sorry

by Xoe Arabella

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